Fear

There are two emotions that paralyze me most… well two that I can think of now: Love and Fear. I fear love and I seem to love fear. Crazy huh? It will take me all day to try to explain why I fear love so we shall focus on fear today.

I dislike fear so much and yet I respect it. Fear prevents me from making the impossible possible. It limits my abilities, it crushes my dreams. How can I not respect it for being so powerful? I let fear prevent me from speaking up at work, and most recently, I am letting fear prevent me from achieving a childhood dream of going to Harvard. It has been about 5 years since I graduated from college and while it was not my plan to have been out so long without getting a post-graduate degree, I made best of my life with the cards I was dealt. Therefore when I think about furthering my education, I am gripped with such an intense fear that I have to sop thinking about it. And once the paralysis passes, then I am inundated with all the reasons why, it will not work. Without giving any screen time to those fears, I cannot help but truly wonder why it won’t? There is no reason it shouldn’t. I am smart. I work hard – at subjects I find interesting. And even if I do not succeed, I would like to think that I will gain something from the attempt…. see there is the twin sister of doubt rearing its ugly head. I remember seeing a motivational poster about Abraham Lincoln which read that he failed at almost everything he attempted till he became president. Some part of me says, yeah right to that and we know what part that is but the sane part wants to take something away from that. Truth is, one of the greatest fears about not succeeding at an endeavour is the aftermath. I fear that I may not recover from the failure. Looking back on my life, I am sure that I have failed several times before, however in the moment where I face a fear all the common sense of the past fades to nothing and the task I face seems to become the very first attempt at anything in my life.

My sister is one of the most driven people I know and often times in my life she has swooped in and accomplished more for me in a matter of days that I  was ever able to in months. She has made it her mission to get me into Harvard and I am very afraid as she can be a slave master. But most of all I am afraid that I will fail her and I do not want to do so. She sent me some materials about Harvard programs and I am yet to dedicate adequate time to peruse them. I seem to find time for everything else but those materials. With one of my greatest fears being not achieving my full potential one would think that that alone would spur me on but it does not seem to be enough.

I started this bog to chronicle my journey through life with a goal of living life to the best of my ability but I fear that I may have failed at that. So now that I have just put my greatest fear and wish out here into the world, so either I speak it into existence or I am shamed into achieving it because I do not want to hear anyone’s mouth!!

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