It’s been a while I know. A lot has happened in my life. I have stumbled, fallen, gotten up and putting myself back together. I am realising how strong I am, what I am capable of and learning to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. What I struggle with the most is not beating myself up as I am extremely hard on myself. I have learned the power of family and friends. I have learned that my capacity for love far exceeds what I imagined. My life these days is a mixture of realizations, lessons and becoming mentally and emotionally stronger. When I started this blog, I had just moved into my own place, I was discovering the world on my own and under my own terms, Today, once more I am facing the world on new terms, under different circumstances and with some fears. Nonetheless, I know that fear is not an option and in the same way I tackle new countries and new experiences, so too will I face and conquer this phase in my life.
There come times in our lives wherein life requires us to make tough decisions. Sometimes it requires us to change the way we think or remove ourselves from a situation. Neither option is easy but often times before we even try we have talked ourselves out of it. Once upon a time, not too long ago, I had nothing. I lost it all and found myself at the bottom of the barrel with nothing and no one, at the mercy of anyone willing to extend a helping hand. The biggest lesson I learned from that experience was that having nothing can be very freeing and with it comes an absence of fear. I feared nothing and no one because the way I saw it, there was nothing anyone could do to me that could negatively affect me – meaning I was so low I couldn’t go any lower. There was nothing they could do to me that had not already been done. I remember telling a bill collector who threatened me with a lawsuit to go ahead at risk of losing his job because his company would spend more money in court fees that they would get out of me. I even added a giggle at the end of the statement; he was speechless. I found myself more emboldened than I have ever been in my life. I can honestly see why people who lose it all and become homeless prefer to remain in the streets. There is freedom from worry that exists when you have nothing that living a “normal” everyday life lacks. There is no worry about losing one’s job, losing material things, no worry about enough money in the bank, no worries about downgrading or upgrading one’s lifestyle etc. Were it not for the value system instilled in me by my parents to strive for success and be the best I can be, I might still be hugging the bottom of my barrel today. As I picked myself up and my fortunes changed, I promised myself that I would always remember that while material things make us comfortable and may fill us with joy, they are not necessities to life and living. And while a job may provide us with the means to acquire the material things we crave, we should not feel obligated to remain in a place that does not make us happy or leave us feeling fulfilled. In short, I never want the fear of losing anything to keep me imprisoned in any situation.
Presently, I find myself once more in a defining moment and while I can’t quite explain it, it feels different this time around. Lately I have begun to fall victim to fear but I am determined to conquer it once again. I am going to make a decision that will change me and my life but it must be done.