Yep. That’s where I am at. I don’t know what day this is. And truth be told, I don’t care. I thought it would take me longer to learn my lesson but I think I am almost done learning it. I am not going to make it to 30 days and I am currently making my peace with that decision. Bottom line is I started this cleanse for the wrong reasons and that was not good enough to sustain me. I still have issues that I need to deal with but a juice cleanse is not the answer in this case. My initial cleanse did what it was supposed to and now I have to take other steps to achieve my goals. I think some part of me expected my initial juice cleanse to cure all my bad habits including laziness and self-control/discipline but of course that could not be. Life is about constantly learning and improving and I am going to have to find my next learning vehicle. As mentioned previously, I will always juice but unless something drastic happens, it should not be necessary for me to do a 72 day cleanse again and therefore I will always feel a sense of nostalgia for that process. I am grateful for what it gave me but I need to move forward.
I suffer from commitment phobia: I fear commitment like a plague. I fear apartment leases, car notes, cell phone contracts, anything that locks me in for either a determined or an undetermined length of time. Every time I have to make a commitment, I either down play it in my mind or negate it’s significance to myself. The first time I signed an apartment lease I opted for a 6 months lease even though I knew that I was most certainly going to be there longer than that – I signed a new lease 2 more times, 6 month leases each time. When I sign cell phone contracts I have to give myself a pep talk before I agree to the terms or tell myself that all I am doing is paying the cost of the free phone I am getting. Likewise in relationships, I refuse to establish timeline parameters: I have never celebrated an anniversary because I never establish a start date. No start date, no length of time to count.
When I began juicing I knew it would be a lifelong commitment. Now almost 4 months after I started, I begin everyday with fresh green juice or green smoothies. That’s just they way it will be for as long as is conceivably possible. However today I took time to sit back and actually ponder what juicing had become in my life – a life long commitment. There was that dreaded word. I wanted to fight it, find some way to negate it but I can’t. Finally, at least for now I have found the one thing that can lock me in forever and there is not a darn thing I can do about it.
I woke up early this morning at about 0540. I was both excited and nervous so I hit the snooze button a couple of times, finally rolling out of bed at about 0608. I was dressed in no time as I had already set aside my clothes for the race. I am not a breakfast person although lately I have no problem drinking a smoothie or green juice in the morning. Well, the amateur athlete in me has heard about carb loading before a race and although I did not have clear facts, I decided to eat some carbs; crackers was all I had so crackers was what I had – 2 small packs of oyster crackers. I got to the race location at about 0640 and when I called my running partner she had not yet left her house and told me she would be leaving at 0720! When I left home, I had felt a tinkle of moisture which could scarcely be classified as rain but as I waited, I saw lightning and eventually actual rain. While I wished it was not raining, I was determined to run the race no matter what. My friend finally showed up at about 0740 and went to pick up our numbers, Just as I arrived the Start line, an announcement came over the speakers declaring the race cancelled. I was kinda upset although I acknowledge that it had been raining pretty hard and it was for the best. As with most races, there are sponsors and athletic companies at the site peddling their wares. Well with this race cancelled, it was a free for all. I could not take a picture as it was raining but there were two 10 foot long tables piled high with bananas and another 10 foot long table filled with bags of Einstein bagels. Muscle Milk was also in attendance and while they had been giving out a bottle at a time to passers-by, with the cancelling of the race, they encouraged everyone to take as much as they wanted and fill the little eco-friendly-made-from-plastic bottles shopping bags race sponsor Whole Foods had provided. Which brings me to a thought I had as I filled my bag with bananas and Muscle Milk. Whenever I am faced with something free, I almost always over do it meaning I take too much/ more than I need. And even when I walk away, I am still wondering if I took enough, if I should go back for more and berating myself for not having taken more.
My goal after my cleanse was to stay away from processed foods and I have done well so far. I took about 6 bananas which will come in handy for my smoothies. The Muscle Milk I had no business taking as I did not even read the label but I ended up with 7 bottles. I did not take any bagels and I am very proud of myself for that. When I initially arrived at the race grounds, I had concerns that my pre race meal had been inadequate so I grabbed some Cascade Farms Organic Granola and some Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato Chips and a small Lara Fruit and Nut Energy bar – not one of the labels on these products did I read so this constitutes my first impulse food consumption post cleanse. Once I found out the race was cancelled, I knew I could not let all that food just hang out in my body so I decided to let Shaun T and Insanity help me burn it and burn it he did! Pure Cardio is a beast but I am glad I did it!
I feel like musicians or athletes who announce their retirement, put on farewell tours only to come out of retirement months later. I know I was supposed to have broken fast last week but this whole eating business is a lot harder that I thought!
So today is day 72 of my juice cleanse. I did not intend for it to go so long but I just could not make myself eat. It is not that I did not want to, I just could not and the more I thought about it, the more I could see that there were elements of fear behind the inability to make myself eat.
One of my fears is not knowing the proper way to eat. I embarked on this cleanse to reset my system and reset it alright I did. I feel like I have been reduced to a newborn nutritionally. I have to reintroduce solids gradually but I also need to learn how and what to eat.
Another fear is losing the identity I have come to recognize in myself as a juicer. While I will always juice, I think I am going to miss these last months I spent nursing juices and depending on them for nutrition. Not to worry though, I have another 60 – 72 day juice cleanse in my future!
The next is not so much fear as my competitive nature. I do not care much for running or training for races but I absolutely love running the races themselves. What keeps me going during a race is beating the people in front of me. I pick a random person ahead of me and that’s who I am racing until I over take them. Once I do, then I pick someone else. I know I should train so as to prevent injury, but my competitive edge is enough to keep me going in any race I run. Originally, my intention was to do at most a 12 day cleanse but then I met someone who was doing a 60 day cleanse and I just had to do it also. While on the cleanse I read about people who had done 72 day cleanses and I felt that I had to do the same. I toyed with the idea of going 72 days but as the end came closer I was so ready to eat. On day 59, I read about someone who went 100 days and again my competitive edge flared up. A part of me feels like not making it to 100 days is punking out so to speak but I also know it is time for me to eat. I miss cooking, I am ready to savor different flavors, I am ready to challenge myself in the world of solids, it is time.
So I have some garbanzo beans soaking right now for tomorrow we make hummus and break fast! And if not hummus, we’ll eat Avocado! As long as the avocado is ripe. If not we’ll wait till the Avocado ripens! j/k
Today marks the official end of my 65 day juice cleanse and I can’t pin point one single lasting feeling. I am hella proud of myself for completing it. I don’t think I ever doubted myself when I started but I was not so sure of myself before I started it. As I type this, I am filled with extreme pride in myself…I did it! I am as strong as I know I am and stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I have to say it again so that it can sink in: I went 65 days on fruit and vegetable juice (except for the occasional soup/broth) and did not let myself get tempted by food! I am nostalgic about my cleanse coming to an end. I am scared of what is to come and having to make the right decisions about food. I am scared of ending up back where I started. I am scared this euphoric feeling won’t last… Enough! No more negativity. I just completed a 65 day juice cleanse and I am proud of myself. I is kind. I is beautiful. I is important and I is strong. This cleanse proves that I can do anything I set my mind to. The only thing that can and will stop me is me. I went on this journey because I wanted to reset the relationship I had with food. I grew up eating 3 meals a day with no dessert and only drank sugary drinks on special occasions. When I started this cleanse, I had to have dessert after eating and while I had cut out sugary drinks, not long before that, water was the occasional and often absent liquid in my life. I did not know how to portion control, did not know what to eat or how much to eat. I alternated between starving myself and over feeding my body. While I did not prep properly for the juice cleanse, the decision to embark on the arduous journey was the result of a realization over a 4 month period that I needed to do better with my life. While I know that all the issues I had before the cleanse have not magically disappeared, I feel more confident about confronting and dealing with them, after all I just completed a 65 day juice cleanse! The FAQ I have been getting are: Continue reading
So… I am trying to find a positive way to put this without saying: this week sucked hairy balls! I don’t think I ate anything healthy this week, and the days I had to work out without my trainer were horrible. I do not like working out by myself. I find it near impossible to push me the way he does. When I work out with him, we have a sort of competition going on. I refuse to give up before he does and strive to match him as best I can. But when I am by myself I don’t put in as much effort as I should. I think I have realised that I do not necessarily like cardio. I am trying really hard not to just say I HATE cardio because truth be told I probably don’t. I do not mind strength training as time seems to fly and I find that concentrating on the part of the body I am working on and Continue reading
I typed this up on Friday but the sleep angel carried me off to her lair before I had a chance to post it. I had a very busy weekend and did not get to make my lunch for today (09/09/12) so I had cereal for breakfast, 2 cups of popcorn, 2 eggs and a veggie personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut. Working on a better lunch for today.
It is almost 5 am. I am tired, sleepy, my feet hurt but noooo I have to force my eyes open and blog. This is all part of my mission to become more disciplined in all facets of my life: blog every day or every other day. How I came up with that theory, I don’t know. Anywho, lets get to it my bed awaits. Random: I have a burn mark between my thumb and pointer finger. It looks like a smiley face and I find it extremely distracting as I type. Continue reading
As I take this journey to a better, slimmer, fitter, deserving of the Air Force me, I am amazed at the realizations I make along the way. When I cut my hair and decided to go natural, I never took the time to enjoy the journey. From the TWA – Teeny Weeny Afro, to trying out different styles on the growing hair, I was in such a hurry to have long curly natural hair that I never got to appreciate each phase properly. This time with my health, I am determined to do better. It is not about the number, it is about the journey to health and what I learn on my way to my goal of a healthier me. Since I am doing such a rotten job at journalling lately, I look forward to coming back to this blog and reliving the journey. The two things I have learned so far…
1. I am a snacker. Continue reading