Yep. That’s where I am at. I don’t know what day this is. And truth be told, I don’t care. I thought it would take me longer to learn my lesson but I think I am almost done learning it. I am not going to make it to 30 days and I am currently making my peace with that decision. Bottom line is I started this cleanse for the wrong reasons and that was not good enough to sustain me. I still have issues that I need to deal with but a juice cleanse is not the answer in this case. My initial cleanse did what it was supposed to and now I have to take other steps to achieve my goals. I think some part of me expected my initial juice cleanse to cure all my bad habits including laziness and self-control/discipline but of course that could not be. Life is about constantly learning and improving and I am going to have to find my next learning vehicle. As mentioned previously, I will always juice but unless something drastic happens, it should not be necessary for me to do a 72 day cleanse again and therefore I will always feel a sense of nostalgia for that process. I am grateful for what it gave me but I need to move forward.
I know the first couple of days are hard and that it will get better but I am so ready for it to get better! I am know I am strange, but I watch cooking videos on YouTube in order to fall asleep. At the beginning of my 72 day fast, I was unable to watch any videos for at least a month but so far I have done so with ease every night. I had a smoothie this morning and made oranges, turnip greens and spicy basil to take to work. I did not finish that but when I got home I was craving something sweet and so I had 2 cups of banana smoothie. I felt greedy having two helpings but I reminded myself that I was indulging in something healthy. On to day 3!
Today marked the official end to my first day of juicing. I had an orange-collards-spicy basil juice accompany me to work and I cheated and had a banana smoothie when I got back from work. I am honestly amazed at … Continue reading
Today I made my juice for the day and it smelled like freshly cut grass. While to some this may seem disgusting, to me it speaks to the fact that I am putting very natural sustenance in my body.
Today I found out that one of the cleaning ladies at work is from Colombia and speaks not a word of English. What it must be like for her to spend 8 hours in an environment where she is invisible because she cannot communicate with anyone? As a Catholic who was raised with the concept of Retreats, it could be that she gets to spend 8 hours each day in a retreat – in commune with God, a higher being, a supreme life force. 8 hours during which her brain may churn out the answers to life’s greatest questions. I am going to choose to believe this is the case instead of thinking that she spends 8 hours sad and alone, banished to the solitude of unwanted thoughts and memories that always come unbidden when we least require it.
Lately I have gotten obsessed with the notion of people dying alone. I don’t know if it is societal programming because if it is I will be pissed off, but I wonder if there is indeed a difference between dying alone and dying while in the presence of loved ones or any body at all.
As someone devoid of that special person in my life to call BFF, true friend, I find that I am always on the hunt for that special person. And the more time goes by, the more I fear that I won’t find one first of all because I believe that the best friendships are created in academic environments. College was my last chance and I blew it. If I can be honest with myself, I am hoping that joining the Air Force will create another opportunity for me to make good friends. After all, if you are going to trust me to protect you and your life you better consider me a great friend!
TV is the kryptonite of my creativity. I watch TV, get lost in it and don’t journal, don’t write, don’t edit photos. I am one contract away from getting rid of cable. Until then, I figured I would watch all the shows I have saved on my DVR. One of my favorite shows is Intervention on A&E but it comes on while I am at work so I record it on the DVR and watch it as soon as I get home. Well, one night in mid January, I raced home eager to watch that night’s episode. I pressed play and realized with dread that the night’s episode was about Bulimia. I was about 2 weeks into my juice cleanse and seeing food triggered some severe cravings and hunger pangs for me, so watching the young man on the show shovel plate after plate down his gullet was too much to bear and I stopped watching it about 5 minutes in. I am proud to say I watched it tonight with no side effects!
I feel like musicians or athletes who announce their retirement, put on farewell tours only to come out of retirement months later. I know I was supposed to have broken fast last week but this whole eating business is a lot harder that I thought!
So today is day 72 of my juice cleanse. I did not intend for it to go so long but I just could not make myself eat. It is not that I did not want to, I just could not and the more I thought about it, the more I could see that there were elements of fear behind the inability to make myself eat.
One of my fears is not knowing the proper way to eat. I embarked on this cleanse to reset my system and reset it alright I did. I feel like I have been reduced to a newborn nutritionally. I have to reintroduce solids gradually but I also need to learn how and what to eat.
Another fear is losing the identity I have come to recognize in myself as a juicer. While I will always juice, I think I am going to miss these last months I spent nursing juices and depending on them for nutrition. Not to worry though, I have another 60 – 72 day juice cleanse in my future!
The next is not so much fear as my competitive nature. I do not care much for running or training for races but I absolutely love running the races themselves. What keeps me going during a race is beating the people in front of me. I pick a random person ahead of me and that’s who I am racing until I over take them. Once I do, then I pick someone else. I know I should train so as to prevent injury, but my competitive edge is enough to keep me going in any race I run. Originally, my intention was to do at most a 12 day cleanse but then I met someone who was doing a 60 day cleanse and I just had to do it also. While on the cleanse I read about people who had done 72 day cleanses and I felt that I had to do the same. I toyed with the idea of going 72 days but as the end came closer I was so ready to eat. On day 59, I read about someone who went 100 days and again my competitive edge flared up. A part of me feels like not making it to 100 days is punking out so to speak but I also know it is time for me to eat. I miss cooking, I am ready to savor different flavors, I am ready to challenge myself in the world of solids, it is time.
So I have some garbanzo beans soaking right now for tomorrow we make hummus and break fast! And if not hummus, we’ll eat Avocado! As long as the avocado is ripe. If not we’ll wait till the Avocado ripens! j/k
A few days ago, my sister were talking via text when she sent me this:
I created this blog because I love to write but unfortunately I seemed to be suffering from chronic writer’s block at the time. This blog was a way of putting out the random thought that seem to constantly flood my head, the happenings in my life, all in hopes that I would find the drive to start writing regularly again. When I started my 60+ day juice cleanse, I wanted to blog about it but I did not have a functioning computer and therefore I was unable to share the journey on my blog as I know I would surely have done. After I was done laughing my socks off, I realized that I am changing and of course this fact is apparent to those around me. I am currently making decisions that will leave a lasting impact on my life. Now for those who know me as morbid, also know that I am not actively interested in living forever. I just want to live long enough to collect my 401K. Nevertheless, as long as I am going to live with this body, my intention is make sure it is a healthy life therefore this is a major aspect for me and I feel the need to share it as it may help someone else as others have helped me get to where I am today. So dear sister, Continue reading