Today, in an effort to cheer herself up a friend of mine listed 6 positive things in her life and encouraged others to do the same. I started to respond with 6 of my own and found that I was unable to. I have always taken pride in my pessimistic nature but lately I have been working on countering that notion as I have come believe that you get what you expect. My first thought was to feel positive about my weight loss but I still worry about gaining it back and returning to the bad habits I strove to abandon. Then I thought about my job which I love and which allows me to indulge on of my main interests but I fear losing it one day. Then I thought about taking pride in the new body I worked hard for but I focused on the arms I think are too flabby and the chest size I lost. After this I was pretty much done trying to come up with anything else positive. But as I write this I am going to go out on a limb and name a positive even though the negative is lurking in the background. I am grateful for my sister. I visited her this weekend and for the first time in our lives, I can wear her clothes!  I arrived dressed to run errands but she insisted that I go to church. Being that I was not dressed for mass, we rummaged through her closet and found something for me to wear. Because I love her and care for her immensely, she possesses the ability to annoy me so much that I have to take breaks from her. However, spending half a day with her this Sunday and arguing over $5 reminded me that she was my first  constant childhood companion, my first constant playmate and my personal cheerleader.Yes… I am glad for that!


Guilt + Insanity = Rejuvenation

I write this blog with sweat dripping down my face. I swear I am about to pass out but I feel good! Originally, today’s blog was going to be called Temptation where I whined about how I had to make cakes for my niece’s first birthday party and how I felt like I had done badly by sneaking a couple of tastes and licks here and there. And then when I got to the party even though I started out eating veggies only, I could not resist a couple of carbs. Over all, I don’t think I did too badly but I am extremely hard on myself, so on my way home  from the party, I decided I was going to jump right in and start the Insanity workout. In the past, when I work out, it makes me more aware of my food choices and less likely to eat irresponsibly. As soon as I got home, I put on my work out clothes and got right to it. At first I thought it was easy but that was just the stretches as he quickly showed me why the work out is called Insanity. Completing the workout left me feeling like I had been adequately punished for my discretion today. It is ironic that I am starting Insanity which is a 60 day program after just having completed a 60+ days juice cleanse. Once again a part of my mind is telling me I may not be able to do this but I know I will and I am! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go recover from this ass whopping.

Fast Broken. Heart Broken but mending.

A couple of minutes into my 73rd day, I broke fast: I had some steamed broccoli. I have to admit it was hard because I don’t feel ready to deal with incorporating solids back into my diet: what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat. These are issues I have not had to worry about for 73 days and now I have to slowly incorporate them back in and watch out for the bad habits. Although I had initially considered a raw diet after my fast, I now know that I should have researched it more thoroughly and made it the basis of my transition. I looked up a couple of recipes today and I am excited to try them! There are the raw burritos, the raw “tuna” salad and top on my list raw “egg” salad! Now I can’t wait to try them and had I been better prepared, transitioning to solids would have been easier. But then again we are talking about me, nothing is ever easy. So, now armed with more optimism and raw food recipes, I more optimistic about the transition. If dealing with this exercise schedule were only just as easy…

Random and slightly inappropriate: As soon as I get out of bed in the morning, the first thing I do is grab my tooth-brush and then sit on the porcelain throne for my morning tinkle. I end up sitting there way past the tinkle, thinking about the upcoming day or just day dreaming. As I was doing one or the other this morning, I reached down to either pat or lift my belly; It was like grabbing for something and missing it. I had to look down to see how I had missed when it hit me: I no longer have a belly. I have to admit that I spent a few minutes somewhat confused about what had happened but in the end, it only served to remind me that I have lost a lot of weight and I am not going back. I still have a body to sculpt and mold, so belly, you stay away!


A few days ago, my sister were talking via text when she sent me this:
I created this blog because I love to write but unfortunately I seemed to be suffering from chronic writer’s block at the time. This blog was a way of putting out the random thought that seem to constantly flood my head, the happenings in my life, all in hopes that I would find the drive to start writing regularly again. When I started my 60+ day juice cleanse, I wanted to blog about it but I did not have a functioning computer and therefore I was unable to share the journey on my blog as I know I would surely have done. After I was done laughing my socks off, I realized that I am changing and of course this fact is apparent to those around me. I am currently making decisions that will leave a lasting impact on my life. Now for those who know me as morbid, also know that I am not actively interested in living forever. I just want to live long enough to collect my 401K. Nevertheless, as long as I am going to live with this body, my intention is make sure it is a healthy life therefore this is a major aspect for me and I feel the need to share it as it may help someone else as others have helped me get to where I am today. So dear sister, Continue reading

Day 1 Post 65 Day Juice Cleanse.

Day 1 Post 65 day Juice Cleanse and I have not yet broken fast. I had a dentist appointment this morning and so I did not eat before I left the house. After running errands, I stopped by the farmer’s market with the intention of letting my mind guide me on what I would get. Once I started shopping, I realized that I am not ready to end my fast. The are two main reason for this:

1.) As previously stated, while my cleanse did not begin as a means for weight loss it morphed into a primary focus unfortunately. I have never had a magic number I wanted to attain and even though I have lost a considerable amount of weight, the image I see in the mirror does not satisfy me. Because I can be extremely dramatic and over imaginative, I am hyper alert to any signs of an eating disorder but I love food too much for this to happen. Furthermore, I have started consuming larger amounts of juice than I did at the start of the cleanse so I know that I am not starving myself. Continue reading

My 65 day juice cleanse is officially over!

Today marks the official end of my 65 day juice cleanse and I can’t pin point one single lasting feeling. I am hella proud of myself for completing it. I don’t think I ever doubted myself when I started but I was not so sure of myself before I started it. As I type this, I am filled with extreme pride in myself…I did it! I am  as strong as I know I am and stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I have to say it again so that it can sink in: I went 65 days on fruit and vegetable juice (except for the occasional soup/broth) and did not let myself get tempted by food! I am nostalgic about my cleanse coming to an end. I am scared of what is to come and having to make the right decisions about food. I am scared of ending up back where I started. I am scared this euphoric feeling won’t last… Enough! No more negativity. I just completed a 65 day juice cleanse and I am proud of myself. I is kind. I is beautiful. I is important and I is strong. This cleanse proves that I can do anything I set my mind to. The only thing that can and will stop me is me. I went on this journey because I wanted to reset the relationship I had with food. I grew up eating 3 meals a day with no dessert and only drank sugary drinks on special occasions. When I started this cleanse, I had to have dessert after eating and while I had cut out sugary drinks, not long before that, water was the occasional and often absent liquid in my life. I did not know how to portion control, did not know what to eat or how much to eat. I alternated between starving myself and over feeding my body. While I did not prep properly for the juice cleanse, the decision to embark on the arduous journey was the result of a realization over a 4 month period that I needed to do better with my life. While I know that all the issues I had before the cleanse have not magically disappeared, I feel more confident about confronting and dealing with them, after all I just completed a 65 day juice cleanse! The FAQ I have been getting are: Continue reading